AUGUST 3, 1982
LOS ANGELES
MAYBE SORT OF A BASEBALL FAN
by Jagne Parks
Up until a year ago my entire knowledge of baseball consisted of Babe Ruth candy bars and the ever-popular saga of “Cool Casey at the Bat" – that is until my Los Angeles friends swore to me on a stack of batting averages that baseball was THE most exciting, action-packed, stimulating, dynamic and inspiring of all sports. That it was indeed THE American Sport and if I refused the offer to accompany them to an actual baseball game I would be “depriving myself of a National Blessing”!Ah, yes, THE American Sport. Well, I've never been much for sports whether they be American or not. I grew up not caring about scores or batting averages. I attended school sporting events but that was purely social. My father prefers the “macho” sports of football and stock-car racing and my mother has always had a fondness for softball and track – but not their daughter. I mean why should I care about what a bunch of people (usually men) over here do to a bunch of people (usually men) over there? Sports have always seemed to me to be like some kind of controlled warfare based on an arbitrary fiction and structured for the sole purpose of channeling aggression according to mysterious strategies of offense and defense (aside from being either male oriented and/or male dominated). But this is not about all sports. It's about baseball.
There are no professional female baseball players and I know of only one professional female umpire. And she only lasted one game. Poor Bernice Gera, after fighting a flood of negatavism for years for the right to work as a professional umpire, made a bad call at second against the Auburn Phillies in her first Minor League game and, under pressure, hung up her mask and left the locker room for good. That was 1972. A minor tragedy when compared to the deaths of Roberto Clemente and Gil Hodges and the great Jackie Robinson but a tragedy all the same. Since then other women have attempted to enter the male sports world but they are few and far between. It was with this in mind that I half-heartedly agreed to go to my first professional baseball game.
Okay – there was aggression, yelling and disorder. There were no female ballplayers but there were plenty of rude male spectators. Yet, my friends had not lied to me. It was exciting, dynamic and action-packed but there was also Something Else! Something one doesn't feel when attending a play or watching a circus – the feeling of belonging to a Team!
While sitting there in that ocean of turbulent humanity, sharing the experience of watching a bunch of grown men hit balls, chase balls, I started to, well, care. God knows why. Maybe I was swept up in the excitement of the moment like a teen at her first rock concert or maybe it was a sugar rush from the fourth Coke washing down the third Dodger Dog or maybe (worst of all!), maybe I was a Closet Baseball Fan! Those guys seemed to love what they were doing so much that it was impossible not to care. There wasn't really that much violence, not even as much as prime-time TV. Baseballs, not flesh, were being hit and all the yelling by the fans seemed good for them, like some kind of primal therapy and a lot cheaper at that.
That was my first baseball game. I'm now a seasoned veteran of one year. I'm still not the greatest fan of baseball but I don know what an error and a foul are so I can at least follow the play-by-play. I still eat Babe Ruth candy bars but I don't yell at the TV anymore when they announce that Monday Night Baseball will be preempting M*A*S*H. In fact, I even own a few baseball cards and a button of Fernando Valenzuela. Still and all I can't help wishing that someone else would come along like Bernice Gera and add a little variety to the field. Until then, I'll be satisfied with being a maybe-sort-of-a-baseball-fan.
REPORT FROM LOS ANGELES
This is your Editor again. The Dodgers have taken the Reds/LA series 2-1. This is a terrific sign. Tomorrow starts the second Dodgers/Braves contest in two weeks. It is imperative that LA win at least one game if they are to make a bid for first place. As of early this morning, they were 6 ½ games back and in second place (by only half a game). Depending on what happens to Atlanta today, the Dodgers will go into the series either 6 ½ or 5 ½ games back which means that if Atlanta returns last weekend's sweep, LA will be close to the middle of August 9 ½ or 10 ½ games back. It's a dismal thought and while this wouldn't automatically discount the boys in blue, it would make another comeback WAIT A MINUTE! Just heard on KABC that Joe Morgan doubled in the bottom of the ninth to give the Giants a 3-2 victory over Atlanta. (And hats off to new Dodger Ricky Wright, who pitched a two hitter though six innings today against the Red.) So there it is. The next four days. 5 ½ games back. Closing in.
Dear Editor:
What a day for baseball! I saw Tommy “Wrap 'em in Pasta” Lasorda get himself thrown out of the game in the 4th over Orta's slide into 2nd and I saw the Dodgers have to leave the field with the bases loaded and Garvey up for an agonizing 45 minute delay on account of rain and I saw back to back homers by Dusty Baker and Pedro Guerrero and I saw Dave “Falsetto” Stewart pitch four shutout innings and I saw the Dodgers rip the rug out from under the Braves four out of four right in front of the faces of those Atlanta scum who cheered when Tommy got bounced and then I saw Vin “Farmer John” Scully get inducted into the Hall of Fame for chrissake right there in ol' Cooperstown him babbling about mountains and indians and I gotta admit I felt a little tightening in the larynx and then by god I opened and read my very first issue of Baseball Diary!
Thank you for embracing me in your new expanded circulation. I'd trade two years of Dodger Blue for just one issue of BD any day of the season and throw in a Roger Maris rookie card for the privilege. Your special Baseball Card Issue with Richard Rosen's penetrating insights framed by your astute observations and frank personal revelations was the kind of sports writing I had thought was interred with Red Barber. I only hope that future issues may include a forum for the discussion of crucial questions pertaining to various aspects of the baseball experience. Meaning only that I've got a couple on my mind and I'd like to have the benefit of your expertise. F'rinstance: I've got a bet with this guy I know in Sonora (who recently had a face to face with a stretch of Highway 49) that I'm hoping somebody on your staff can settle. We've got a half-case of Olde English 800 riding on this so you can tell it's kind of important. Anyway, I say a “Cootie Hole”, besides being whatever it was you were talking about in your last issue, is also a term pro-ballers use to describe the opposing team's dugout. Well, the little creep in Sonora says I'm full of two-baggers but what do you say?
Secondly: I have seen a lot of science fiction movies in the past few years and nowhere in any of them is there any reference to or mention of baseball! This is very disturbing to me. The closest thing to it I've seen was Luke Skywalker taking strikes with his light-saber from some weird perpetual knuckle ball that hummed and spit sparks and really didn't look like any kind of a baseball at all! Does all this mean there is no baseball in the future? Is it the ultimate players' strike? Is nuclear Armageddon better than a galaxy without baseball? Perhaps you could bring in the noted futurist, philosopher and baseball blabbermouth Dr. Rotwang “RayNo” Shark to outline some possibilities for the survival of baseball into the next century. I happen to know he's available and works dirt cheap.
Yeah, I know these are tough questions preying on the minds of those both on and off the diamond but I also know that you guys won't sidestep these issues either. I believe that only Baseball Diary, aside from having the sheer guts to look at the truth square down the baseline, also has the depth of knowledge and acuity of intelligence – both in its editorial staff and in its vast network of correspondents – to take a bite out of this plug and gnaw it until it's the brown, runny glob of spittle and chaw that we can all live with!
A Loyal Reader
Los Angeles
We decided to print the photo you sent of yourself so all our readers might know who you are. Thank you for a well thought out and well written letter. As for your desire to see “a forum for the discussion of crucial questions” relating to baseball, here goes, although we're somewhat dubious about just how heavily these particular matters are “preying on the minds of those both on and off the diamond”: 1) You say you provided the two “baseball” cards reproduced above to illustrate your subjects. The top one was supposedly retrieved from a Cootie Hole. Sorry, ALR, better get out your beer money and resign yourself to being a big bag of nuts, we at BD have never heard an opposing team dugout referred to as a Cootie Hole; 2) The bottom card supposedly shows some of the Nostromo crew unable to find any sign of baseball. We would like to open the door right now to a discussion of baseball in the future. All submissions on this subject are welcome.
That's Almost it for Now
Just a couple more things. First of all, retired to the BD bookshelf is Roger Angell's LATE INNINGS, a wonderful book. Of particular interest is the chapter on women sports writers being admitted to baseball locker rooms and the profile of Bob Gibson, who finally got his wish and is now one of the pitching coaches for the cursed Atlanta Braves. The other coach teaches them how to pitch and Gibson teaches them ho to win. Also recommended is PIG IRON #9, devoted to baseball. Included is poetry, fiction, articles, photographs, and graphics, all relating to the National Pastime.“Dial 8” means hitting a home run. To make a long distance phone call on the road, traveling ball players have to dial 8 on their hotel telephones first.
An “apple” is a baseball.
A “Baltimore chop” is a batted ball that takes an extremely high bounce after it hits the ground, usually on or near the plate. So called because early Baltimore Spider players, especially Wee Willie Keeler, used this tactic frequently.
A cyclops is a player who wears eyeglasses.
Moxie is courage.
Baseball Diary Circulation = 5.
Baseball Diary welcomes submissions and/or letters of a subjective nature relating to baseball. Prose, poetry, visuals – all are welcome.
Baseball Diary Editor and Publisher: William Fuller
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